This was also my favorite quote. A really great manifesto here, thank you for sharing and inspiring!
I will say that as a male physician who took 3 months FMLA when his daughter was born, then reduced his FTE to 0.75 to keep a 2 physician family afloat on a bare minimum of cooking/cleaning/personal hygiene, and still pulls at least 50% of the cart, there are men out there who don’t suck like these guys you described.
Is it fair to say that menopause can lay bare the emotions that go with resentment, being unappreciated, and feeling the body shift into a completely different gear? It’s certainly not “the problem.”
You did the right thing in my opinion, and fuck people who don’t pull their 50% in a “partnership!”
I’m a firm believer that every man who becomes a father needs to take paternity leave, and suffer the shitty diapers and thawing breast milk at 2 am while his wife sleeps so she can work the next day, and deal with the assholes at work who think of him as being less masculine, and even extract a penalty against his career too… because it establishes up front a template and deep understanding for coequal parenting. And our careers are equally important, and prone to disappointment anyway.
I wrote this post a while back and stand by it for any men resisting paternity leave:
My eldest child is 35 and there was minimal paid maternity leave and paternity leave was not even imaginable. My husband went back to work the day after we came back from the hospital with a new baby. It was just fine with the first child, but I was totally overwhelmed and scared when left alone with a 2 1/2 year old and a newborn.
So today the 'solution' to the 'problem' is hormones. I remember 40-50 yrs ago it was Valium (it was actually advertised for helping women cope w/ the 'jail' [pictured] as household work)...
As a mental health professional I am shocked to hear that a female therapist is suggesting these types of marital issues are due to menopausal symptoms! Just wow!! Patriarchal brainwashing in action.
I second the commenter who wants "fuck that, Im not the giving tree" on a shirt. I'd wear that with pride (and Im also glad I'm not the only one horrified by that book - giving is important. But it should be balanced).
Something kept in my head the entire time in this article. A young woman who expresses anger is accused of having PMS. An older woman who expresses anger is accused of being menopausal.
The common denominator being that any time a woman expresses annoyance or anger, it of course couldnt be valid. Its hormones
Wife of Grayson Perry and author of 'The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)', that was so universally lionised on its release that I felt horrible that I was unable to even get halfway through it. It really should have been titled 'Why my kid is better than yours'. She's a very likeable presence on the tv, she and her husband did a very influential art show during lockdown, but yes, her advice always does seem to leave a sour taste in the mouth. That said, the comments on the piece are pure gold, so rest assured that not everyone thinks as Philippa Perry. You wonder whether the copy editors punch it up to make her seem extra-patronising in order to produce this sort of reaction - the Guardian can be very troll-y at times. But thank you Jen for having no time for such nonsense. Speaking as a 47 year old woman who does far less than her fair share of the housework this sounds utterly untenable.
Re: the request for advice sent to The Guardian, a “shared approach” to parenting / household chores is Scandinavian? I need to look that up. I can’t let that go unquestioned. (Maybe it’s menopause. 😆)
On a more serious note, I agree that the ultimate upshot of the advice the woman was given was bizarre. No mention, even, if couples counseling. She was also told she may want to get “a test” to see if she was perimenopausal. My understanding was there is not any test that can be given that will show that you’re in the menopause transition. It makes me wonder what test the psychotherapist was referring to/thinking of.
“Fuck that. I’m not the Giving Tree.” Now that belongs on a t-shirt!
This was also my favorite quote. A really great manifesto here, thank you for sharing and inspiring!
I will say that as a male physician who took 3 months FMLA when his daughter was born, then reduced his FTE to 0.75 to keep a 2 physician family afloat on a bare minimum of cooking/cleaning/personal hygiene, and still pulls at least 50% of the cart, there are men out there who don’t suck like these guys you described.
Is it fair to say that menopause can lay bare the emotions that go with resentment, being unappreciated, and feeling the body shift into a completely different gear? It’s certainly not “the problem.”
You did the right thing in my opinion, and fuck people who don’t pull their 50% in a “partnership!”
I’m a firm believer that every man who becomes a father needs to take paternity leave, and suffer the shitty diapers and thawing breast milk at 2 am while his wife sleeps so she can work the next day, and deal with the assholes at work who think of him as being less masculine, and even extract a penalty against his career too… because it establishes up front a template and deep understanding for coequal parenting. And our careers are equally important, and prone to disappointment anyway.
I wrote this post a while back and stand by it for any men resisting paternity leave:
https://mccormickmd.substack.com/p/paternity-leave-and-labor-day-weekend
Again, thanks for the full throated truth written here. I appreciate “you.”
My eldest child is 35 and there was minimal paid maternity leave and paternity leave was not even imaginable. My husband went back to work the day after we came back from the hospital with a new baby. It was just fine with the first child, but I was totally overwhelmed and scared when left alone with a 2 1/2 year old and a newborn.
"[I]t’s peak patriarchy to gaslight the normal, human response of appropriate anger as hormonal." I think this is my favorite quote.
My favorite piece of writing by Jen so far. Brilliant.
So today the 'solution' to the 'problem' is hormones. I remember 40-50 yrs ago it was Valium (it was actually advertised for helping women cope w/ the 'jail' [pictured] as household work)...
1.) I'm an advice column junkie and Guardian reader and I cannot tolerate Ask Phillipa.
2.) Thank you for making that point about malignant 2 parent households. This.
C.) I love that Jen used to listen to comedy albums and remembers the album and the joke. I feel so seen.
As a mental health professional I am shocked to hear that a female therapist is suggesting these types of marital issues are due to menopausal symptoms! Just wow!! Patriarchal brainwashing in action.
Awesome! This is another great manifesto.
I second the commenter who wants "fuck that, Im not the giving tree" on a shirt. I'd wear that with pride (and Im also glad I'm not the only one horrified by that book - giving is important. But it should be balanced).
Something kept in my head the entire time in this article. A young woman who expresses anger is accused of having PMS. An older woman who expresses anger is accused of being menopausal.
The common denominator being that any time a woman expresses annoyance or anger, it of course couldnt be valid. Its hormones
I’m gobsmacked that Philippa is a real person. I guess the misogyny is coming from inside the house.
Wife of Grayson Perry and author of 'The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)', that was so universally lionised on its release that I felt horrible that I was unable to even get halfway through it. It really should have been titled 'Why my kid is better than yours'. She's a very likeable presence on the tv, she and her husband did a very influential art show during lockdown, but yes, her advice always does seem to leave a sour taste in the mouth. That said, the comments on the piece are pure gold, so rest assured that not everyone thinks as Philippa Perry. You wonder whether the copy editors punch it up to make her seem extra-patronising in order to produce this sort of reaction - the Guardian can be very troll-y at times. But thank you Jen for having no time for such nonsense. Speaking as a 47 year old woman who does far less than her fair share of the housework this sounds utterly untenable.
„Sometimes it’s normal to be enraged“
Yes yes yes.
Thank you for this blog post!
A-fucking-men!
SPEAK THE TRUTH! Thank you.
Thank you for writing this! And congrats on your divorce by the way. :)
Amen! and Amen! again!
Re: the request for advice sent to The Guardian, a “shared approach” to parenting / household chores is Scandinavian? I need to look that up. I can’t let that go unquestioned. (Maybe it’s menopause. 😆)
On a more serious note, I agree that the ultimate upshot of the advice the woman was given was bizarre. No mention, even, if couples counseling. She was also told she may want to get “a test” to see if she was perimenopausal. My understanding was there is not any test that can be given that will show that you’re in the menopause transition. It makes me wonder what test the psychotherapist was referring to/thinking of.
You are correct. Philippa gives bad advice all around, there is no test for perimenopause/the menopause transition.
Thank you! I was pretty sure I was right but so so glad you confirmed. 👍
I had the same thought!