It's Winter Vagina Time, Bitches

Stop the doomscrolling; we have some serious business to attend to...

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Things are a little tense today, so I am going to try and provide some distraction in a way that only I can…by discussing Winter Vagina.

Yes, it will soon be the season for that lesser-known form of vaginal mayhem, Winter Vagina. You are all probably aware of the dreaded Summer Vagina, but let me tell you that right now, “journalists” are sitting in front of a crackling fire pitching their stories for Winter Vagina, and I want YOU to be ready.

Do you think I’m kidding? Just look at this headline from the Daily Mirror! Trust me, I am not adept enough with Photoshop or whatever apps the kids are using these days to whip this up. And while this is from a few years ago, it’s only a matter of time before it makes the rounds again because nothing sells like vaginal catastrophe. And I want you to be ready.

I know what you are thinking; how does the winter affect the vagina, a part that is internal and not exposed to the elements in any way? Well, I’m sure if “winter oral cavity” or “winter rectum” sold magazines and newspapers, we’d be hearing about those nonexistent medical conditions as well.

What if those who are writing these articles really mean “Winter Vulva?” For one, they should say that. It’s not as if the Ghost of Christmas Past will slap another chain around their waists for being *checks notes* anatomically accurate. Another possibility is no one knows what body part they are writing about, and “vagina” is a great euphemism for what is generally meant by (queue sound effect of fingernails-on-a-chalkboard) “down there.” But I am sure the truth is that Winter Vagina is a far easier pitch to the editors than Vulvar Vagina because it is vaginal mayhem that sells. 

For the sake of argument, because, well, this is all about distraction, maybe they do, in fact, mean vulva? OK, I’ll bite. Why is a body part that is typically covered in at least one layer of clothing but often two (three, maybe if you are in Canada and are also wearing long underwear) uniquely at risk from the elements? Well, according to that bastion of medical knowledge, the Daily Mirror, the air is apparently so fucking dry in houses in the United Kingdom that it is going to suck the moisture right out of your vagina/vulva/lady parts. 

But why, in this winter desert known as the United Kingdom, a land that apparently has never been known for dampness, is there no “winter behind the knee” or “winter middle of the back, just below the bra to the right”? These are the important questions that I alone appear to be asking. 

As I’ve been asking these hard questions about winter vaginas for a while, I thought I would re-up (with some minor edits) a piece I wrote back in 2018…because I suspect many of you have not seen it, and maybe we could all use a chuckle. 

*****

I know you have all just broken out the gourd attachments on your vibrators, sugared your pubic hair with a candied ball of maple syrup and sweet potato, and spruced up your lady cornucopia with a pumpkin spice douche, but it’s time for shit to get real. It’s Winter Vagina time, bitches. 

Winter Vagina is a thing. Take it from me. I’m from Manitoba. Winter Vagina is so bad that no one can possibly have sex from December through March. Have you seen a tongue on a flag pole in winter? Right. Like that, only worse. Try ripping that shit apart without anesthesia. Talk about roughing it in the bush.

Winter Vagina is so harsh that Canadian Labor and Delivery units shut down from September through November because no one was fucking nine months before. We just sit around and play drinking games, like Devil’s Triangle.

The bleak midwinter air is going to whip right up your pants, through your underwear, part your labia, and head straight up your vag. Jack Frost is the fucking frat boy of fairytale creatures, and he’s going to make your vagina feel like the corner of Portage and Main on January 1st. Minus 40 fucking Celsius without the wind chill. In your vagina. And you thought Fall Vagina was bad? Ha!

Don’t go thinking your vagina is safe from catastrophe indoors. The air inside is dry. Parched. The fucking desert. It’s apparently a major crisis in the U.K. I bet it’s all that English Ivy. It’s like the Day of the Triffids but for vaginas.

Shakespeare wrote about the perils of winter vagina, just like the Daily Mirror. That’s what Richard III is about. Look, I know this is a seasonal vagina post and not a literary vagina post, but indulge me. Richard III is all about bush. “Now is the winter of our discontent / Made glorious summer by this sun of York.” I mean, come on! The War of the Roses is just one big fucking bush analogy.

So how does one deal with Winter Vagina?

Here are some handy tips. But be careful; you don’t want to overdo it and tip yourself back into Summer Vagina. Remember, your vagina is constantly one wrong pair of underwear and three drops of water away from total vaginal carnage.

Mulled wine. Who wants to squat over boiling herbs and water when you can squat over boiling herbs and wine? Humidity, and hey, who doesn’t want a nutmeg vagina? Gwyneth Paltrow has her daily alcohol consumption all wrong. I mean, she’s close with her whole glass of whisky in the bath every day, but really, she should be squatting over it, not drinking it. Her liver and her vagina will thank her. That’s how they did it in Ancient Archenland, so it must be true.

Break out your plug-in vibrator, and don’t forget the snow stud sheath. No battery-powered device can plow through a vaginal snowpack. You need alternating current to warm that shit up after a long day of sitting naked outside, filling your vagina with snow and ice. Don’t get clitoral anti-freeze, though; that crap stings like a motherfucker.

Order your bouquet garni of mistletoe from Etsy, or get it from those kids who stand outside of the grocery store selling wreaths and shit. If you are crafty, you can make one yourself. Martha Stewart has great DIY instructions. She’s light-years ahead of GP when it comes to vaginas.

Light your Winter Vagina Candle to set the mood, and then braid that mistletoe right into your pubic hair. It helps maintain warmth and humidity, and if you place it right over your clitoral hood, you’ll get your kisses where they count. Just make sure to wait until you’ve properly warmed your vagina before giving the mistletoe a whirl, especially if you have sex with men. They’re the real screamers when they get stuck.

Look, I know it sounds totally batshit that the air outside could impact your vagina, which is inside your body and underneath clothes. I know it is also truly mind-blowing that no one worries about summer or winter asshole, and yet vaginas are just a few centimeters away and not even full of fecal matter and yet are supposedly a total fucking mess. Hey, I don’t make the rules. Air doesn’t even get inside the vagina, and vaginal moisture has nothing to do with the environment, but what are facts anyway? Silly things that can get a lady into trouble, that’s what. The human body is a mystery, especially vaginas, which are delicate. That’s all you need to know.

And look, I’m not a winter vagina expert because I am the Internet’s favorite gynecologist. We Canadian girls just really know how to take care of our snow forts; that’s why our national animal is the beaver.

Tomorrow, I will be back with less satire and more science.